Here's the thing about food blogs

Just FYI, I wrote out this entire post on the blogger app, scrolled away, and then it got erased. WAAAAA. Don't you just hate it when that happens? 

So here's the thing about food blogs. 

They lie. 

They are there to make you feel bad about yourself and about that burger you just ordered in for dinner, because THEY just had burgers for dinner, and they made the buns from homemade spelt flour that they ground themselves, the lettuce from their organic locally fair traded food garden, and the burgers from a cow they knew themselves (they called her 'daisy.') 

Yes, yes, guilty as charged. I too am part of the problem. 

Here's the thing, though, and here's what I firmly believe about food blogging: WE NEED MORE IMPREFECTIONS.

I say this to you just a few days after ruining a smitten kitchen recipe. I had this cream that was going to go bad, and I thought, aha, here's this ricotta recipe, let's turn the leftover cream nto cheese and it will be delicious and perfect and everyone will admire me.

It was not perfect, and there were no bunnies and rainbows.

Ok, so I didn't quite follow the recipe - I used too much cream and not enough milk - but that shouldn't really have mattered. Maybe I needed more lemon juice. Maybe the cheesecloth wasn't thick enough. I don't know. The point is, I've been cooking for 24 years (yes, that's right, 24 YEARS. Who know I had that kind of work experience?) and I still get imperfections. 

There's this axis, you see, of perfect vs. imperfect in cooking and blogs. Obviously you want the pictures to look nice. Obviously. Nobody wants to see that burger you made last night that looks like the cat threw up on the bread. But on the other hand, and I'm citing some very real examples here, when I read online about that mother of ten who just threw together a simple weekday dinner comprising of raw carrots with an organic truffle balsamic glaze, curried quinoa pilaf with raisins and cardomam pods, and creme freche a lá fancy shmancy organic duck bird glaze, lightly braised with the tears of unborn children, I just want to shoot myself. Ok, shoot her then myself. Ok, just shoot her. 

My point is, ain't nobody that perfect. And food isn't meant to be perfect. Food is meant for you to think that your grandmother made THE BEST matzah ball soup. Food is for feeding your family and friends, so that they love and appreciate you more and would be sad if you died because who would feed them. Food is for sustenance, so we don't go around in the world looking like Twiggy (or whatever that super thing model's name is.) 

These days, food has become for bragging about. I've got two words to say to that, and I'm also saying them to myself: 

STOP THAT. 

Less food bragging. More imperfect food. 

####

So, on that note, I'm going to give you the recipe for one of the most disgusting, barely edible things I've ever cooked, so you don't have to try it yourself. Seriously, don't try this at home.

T'was the day before the day before pesach or so. We were cleaning out the fridge (and that's a 'we' being myself and spouse, so it wasn't even that many years ago) and had barely any food left in the larder. This is what happened for dinner:

Ingredients

- spinach from freezer

- cheese from freezer

- bulgur from cabinet

- can of butter beans from cabinet 

- maybe an egg?

- probably some cheese, though not a lot and not a good cheese

- maybe yogurt? 

- some strange herbs, like dill

- an onion or garlic, because there's always an onion in the home

1. Fry onion and garlic.

2. Ok, so I know that spinach and beans is a recipe, and that would work well together. Put that in.

3. Ok, so that would go well with cheese. Sure. Put cheese in.

4. Well, I have a recipe for bulgur and spinach...so, beans and spinach, yum, spinach and bulgur, yum...spinach and bulgur and beans yum?

5. Ah what the heck, let's just empty the entire contents of pantry into this pan. I'm sure it will taste good eventually.

6. Eat. Not good. Choke it down, because pesach.

7. I mean it. Do not try this at home.

Winter is Coming - Never Fail Soup Recipe

Let's talk about soup.

Soup is good for three reasons that immediately come to mind:

1. It's cheap
2. It's good to eat when it's cold out
3. It saves old vegetables when they're about to die.

In this blog post, forgive me, but I may delve into those horribly irritating superlatives that you often see in food blogs. YUM! Delish! NOMNOMNOM. OMG this is an amazing never-fail soup recipe!

Ok, I hate myself already. I'm going to stop that now.

Back to soup.

I believe there are two types of people reading this entry - those that really do not know how to make soup, and are chomping at the bit to get my soup recipe tips; and those who think they already make the best soup, so why on earth should they read this because they already know how to make amazing soup.

If you are of the second sort and I haven't lost you already (or never had you in the first place) bear with me, this soup technique makes a TRULY DECENT soup that....drum roll please...uses no MSG or broth.

Allow me to get back up on that soap-box of mine for a minute, please? [get up on soap box]. One of my biggest, awfulest, most guaranteed to bug the crap out of me every single time, is PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE SOUP WITHOUT SOUPMIX. OMG. SERIOUSLY. Soup-mix has not been allowed in my home in years. Years, I tell you. For all you trepidatious readers who do not know for the life of you, what to do when a soup recipe calls for broth, I have three words for you: Just. Add. Water.

There. [gets off soap-box. Or would that be soup-box? heh heh. Get it? Soup box?]

This soup is a blended soup, and it's delicious every time [fights to not slip back into annoying food blogger mode.] Here are the approximate instructions for this soup, and you will see why I love it so much:

1. Take all or most of the vegetables that are about to go bad out of the fridge.
2. Put them in a pot and cook them.
3. Stick into a blender and dzudzh (sp???)
4. Eat soup.  

 In short, this is a great recipe. Bookmark-worthy, even. There. I said it.

Now for the slightly longer version:

Really Decent Vegetable Soup in about 30 minutes

Originally I thought I stole this soup recipe from my guru, Alton Brown, but I just rewatched his soup episode and it turns out that I diverged quite a lot. That's ok - that means this may even be an original recipe! And really no-one better to trust with blended soup recipes than yours truly, considering I had my jaw wired shut for seven weeks (don't worry, it was years ago) and had to live off of blended soup for quite some time.

Ingredients: 

• Oil - a few tbs
• Onion - always an essential to soups, in my not so humble opinion
• Several different kinds of dead or dying vegetables - can include vegetables like: 
• radish (yes, radish! I am so glad I learned that radish makes a good soup, because before I kept thinking I should make it into pickles, never did, and kept throwing them out.) / fennel / tomato / daikon / cabbage / potato or sweet potato / carrot / celery or celery root / turnip
• Probably should not include vegetables like:
• lettuce / cucumber (yes yes, officially it's a fruit. I know. Get over it) / endive
• Can also include spinach or mushroom, but then I wouldn't blend it and/or add them at the end.
• Water
• Kosher salt
• Optional seasonings (turmeric, cumin, nutmeg, that kind of thing)

Directions:

1. Take a medium or large pot, set over medium heat. Add a little bit of oil, just enough to cover the bottom of the pot, and heat. 
2. While the oil is heating, roughly chop the onion and plonk it into the the heated oil.
3. Now, take your time. In order of hardest to softest, roughly chop up your vegetables and chuck into the pot with the onion. When you've got enough veggies in there that the bottom of the pot is covered, add the kosher salt. Stir. Keep adding veggies and stirring every now and again. The heat should be on medium-high, enough to start browning the veggies but not enough to burn them. Keep cooking like this for about 10 min, including chopping time. 
4. This here is the step that I added that I firmly believe makes the soup go from just ok to pretty damn good - clomp on the lid. That's right, no water. Just lid. Turn the heat a bit lower and keep cooking, covered, for another 10-15 minutes. Stir every now and again to make sure it doesn't stick. What this step does is stew the veggies in their own juices - literally - and gets them all nice and tender and tasty. What it also does is trap that steam inside the pot, which probably keeps things hotter and retains the taste. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. 
5. Finally, now that veggies pretty much cooked at this point, add the water and seasonings if you want to. You do NOT want to boil the water. I know many soup recipes tell you to, but this soup doesn't need it, and somehow I think it wouldn't taste as nice. If you want to add some soft veggies, do it now. Cook on a SIMMER, not a boil, for another 10-15 min.
6. At this point the soup is pretty much done. I like it blended, though, so I now take either all or some of the soup, stick it in my plastic blender, and blend. If you only have a glass blender, probably a good idea to wait until the soup cools (but who can wait that long??). Also a hand-blender would do the trick, I just happen to not own one. 
7. Blend. Add salt if needed. Serve. Great soup, every time. I promise. 

Ceci N'est Pas Une Click-Bait

We interrupt our regularly scheduled recipes to bring you a pinterest-omg-are-you-f***ing-kidding- me liar. (Really, I should say fb liar, as I saw this link on Facebook.) Either way. Liar. J'accuse!

My point is, if you came to this blog article looking for a recipe, you might want to look away, because this post is going to be ripping apart this horrid thing:

http://buzz.hotmomsclub.com/she-pours-egg-into-the-waffle-iron-seconds-later-im-never-cooking-again/

(um, "hot moms?" really? Are you a click-baiting site or a porn site?)

First of all, let's deal with the click-baiting title, shall we?

"She Pours Egg Into The Waffle Iron. Seconds Later?* I’m Never Cooking Again"

(*seconds later she had uncooked egg...)

YOU'RE NEVER COOKING AGAIN, ARE YOU??? Well, I hate to break this to you, click-baiting liar, but COOKING IN A WAFFLE IRON IS STILL ^%&(* COOKING. 

[pant pant pant]

Ok. Let's get to the content.

There are seven "recipes" here, if you can call them that. No, actually, I can't. Because they AREN'T RECIPES. They are INSTRUCTIONS on how to put things into the waffle rather than the oven. And I'm a-ok with putting things into the waffle iron rather than the oven, actually. It might use less electricity, it makes a cute shape, fine.

I'm also semi-ok with brownies being put into the waffle iron, because that might actually taste good, if we accept the premise that these brownies are going to be crunchy rather than gooey, which is what proper brownies should be.)

Now, let's tear apart a few of these other "recipes," shall we? Grrr.

Cinnamon buns
 

Ok. Cinnamon buns. I like cinnamon buns. But. This. Is. Not. A. Recipe. Cinnamon buns DO NOT GROW IN A CAN. I have a recipe for cinnamon buns. It's a great recipe. It comes from Allrecipes. You make the buns from scratch.  It's a yeast dough. THAT'S a recipe. A really wonderful recipe. If you want to make that, then stick it in the waffle iron, go right ahead.

This? NOT a recipe.


Hash Browns
OH. MY GOD. Did she HONESTLY just say that you could just "pick up a bag of tater tots and throw them on your waffle iron?

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

I'm going to say this once, and no more:

If it looks like it originated in a plastic bag, it is not food.

If it could survive a nuclear holocaust, it is not food. (Unless it's canned, but we can talk about that later.)

If it would survive longer on a shelf than you would, it is not food.

and finally,

IF THERE ARE INGREDIENTS IN IT THAT YOU CANNOT PRONOUNCE AND DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE, IT IS NOT FOOD.

AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH.

Omelette
"Haven't mastered the art of the omelette?" questions the nice hot mom in the video.

Seriously?

Seriously?

First of all, this does not look like a mastered omelette. It looks dried out and disgusting.

Ceci n'est pas une omelet!!!

Secondly, if you want to master the omelette, don't ask a hot mom. Ask Julia Child (neither a mom nor hot). She'll steer you right.

Now THAT'S how you make an omelette. 

That's all the rant I have energy for today, kids. If you don't know how to make an omelette, please, I beg you, do not put it in the waffle maker. (Though, come to think of it, if you haven't mastered the art of the omelette, you probably do not own such ridiculous uni-taskers as a waffle iron.)

If you do have a waffle iron, go ahead and make...waffles. Or grilled cheese sandwiches. Or cornbread. Or banana-nut bread. Or anything else that you want flat with little square shapes.

Just, please. Don't call it a recipe.

Beans Beans the Magical Legume

In other, non-cooking related news, Mr. Better Butter is no longer employed in an actual office where they pay him money in exchange for services rendered.

(This is, actually, going to bring us back to food, and I'll tell you how. Just be patient.)

A strange thing happens when we are both jobless. Despite the fact that I, supposedly, have some earning power and could probably go out and get a crappy desk job fairly immediately, and despite the fact that Mr. Blogger will probably be collecting more unemployment than I could ever earn, and despite the fact that we actually have some money saved - despite all this, when we are both unemployed, I go into what I call EXTREME SAVING MODE. (The good thing is that this fits in nicely with living as a frugal pantry-eating, dumpster-diving, sustainability freak...the bad thing is, like any other extreme diet, it's not actually that sustainable and once we get jobs, I tend to go on teeny tiny crazed spending sprees. It's how we got our lovely couch.)

For now, though, I'm going to try to be über-thrifty in my kitchen. (You know I'm serious because I used an umlaut.)

umlaut = serious

This fits in nicely with the slightly neglected pantry clean, it fits nicely with sustainability, and it fits in wonderfully with clean eating and living from scratch. Not that I don't bake all the bread from scratch anyway, but now there may be more legumes consumed. (Human methane emissions keep you warm, right? Saves on heating bill!! Win-win!)

Beans, beans, they're good for your... pocket

So I'm just going to finish up by giving you an über-savingsy, frugal, clean-living recipe, because that's what I do here on this blog. It is brought to you partially by my recent brain-wash sustainability course, and it's a great last minute 'oh-shit-I've-got-last-minute-guests-coming-what-do-I-feed-them' recipe. It's also a great 'oh-shit-there-is-nothing-in-the-house-but-lentils-what-do-I-eat' recipe. So now, without further ado, I bring you:

Red-lentil Hummus Recipe (Tastes Just Like Real Hummus Recipe)

Note: for this recipe I'm going to do that thing that irritates the crap out of hubby, and not give you precise measurements. The real reason is because I don't know them and I've been making it differently each time, but we can pretend the reason is because I'm assuming all readers are either serious foodies or just here for the jokes. Or both. If you need precise measurements, comment and I'll measure next time.

Ingredients:

• Red lentils
• Tehinna paste
• Lemon juice
• Parsley/coriander/random onion paste you make by chopping up onions, herbs, and olive oil
• Salt
• Spices like chili or cayenne if you import it from America or cumin or something
• Ice-cold water]

1. Soak the red lentils, with intent to sprout them
2. Lose patience after a few hours because it takes too long, and cook them instead - just for a few minutes, until they're soft enough to mash.
3. Stick in food processor. Process. Add other stuff. Taste. Add other stuff except for liquid. Keep tasting and adding until it tastes good. 
4. Add liquid until it gets smooth enough to spread.
5. Serve. Feel snooty that you made red lentil hummus.

Hey hey dumpster diving dumpster diving, hey hey diving into a dumpster

I was just on a really cool educational neighborhood walk as part of this recent attempt to actually metamorphasis into my mother sustainability course that I've been doing lately. We went...well, on a dumpster dive.

That's a perfectly gorgeous woodcarving that someone threw out!!!

You still there?

Ok, now that I've rid myself of 10% of my lurkers, let me tell you about this dumpster dive, and explain what it has to do with this blog.

You see, it wasn't *really* a dumpster dive, in the sense that you may be thinking of dumpster dives. That is, the instructor did actually go into dumpsters. But she didn't dive, she took out a bag at a time, nobody got gross or dirty, and the goal was not to take home furniture, food, or other people's trash (though a one of the folks did indeed take home a perfectly good bucket.)

The goal was to talk about garbage, see how much people threw out, and try to reduce the amount we throw out in our own personal lives.

Allow myself to get up on my soapbox for a bit here [gets up on soapbox]:

We, as a people, throw out way too damn stuff. Israel is THE SECOND WORST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD in terms of throwing out food (USA is worse. Haha.)  We think of recycling as a panacea. It's not. As I learned today, it's a red herring. No, it's worse than a red herring. It's a justification to buy more stuff  - and we throw out so. Much. Shit.

It's not about the environment. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that I don't give a rat's ass about the environment. It's about the five-year-olds in China who are sent to work so you can have a new iphone (NO AUTOCORRECT I'M NOT GOING TO CAPITALIZE THE SECOND LETTER.) It's about sweatshops where people can die or lose limbs because they are working in an unsafe environment. It's about rich people at the top of big companies getting rich off of the backs of their workers who are paid minimum-wage because they pulled off the hoax of selling something that FALLS FREE FROM THE SKY, put it in a bottle, and sell it to you for money! It's about living in a world where marriage, friendships, life, and belongings are disposable - where you can just go out and buy another of everything because everything is cheap and nothing has any value. 

Throwing out less isn't just about all of that. It's about living in a world where you know where your vegetables come from and that they weren't coated in wax to make them shinier, where your garbage doesn't disappear from sight the second it leaves your bin, where things have real value and meaning, and real furry creatures from Alpha Centauri are REAL furry creatures from Alpha Centauri!!!

[pant pant pant.]

AND WHY ARE ONLY MEN ALLOWED ON SOAPBOXES, EH?

Let's talk about food for a second here, and let's talk about throwing out food, and not throwing out food. 

We saw a ridiculous amount of food get thrown out on the streets of Jerusalem. We saw a perfectly good package of Tim-Tams (one brave soul even ate one), we saw a package of bread that looked FINE (see my last rant about my opinion on throwing out bread), we saw a really fancy leftover sandwich that hadn't been touched, and  tons and tons of pineapple ends.

I'm going to say this once, and I'm going to state it loud and clear: I FIRMLY BELIEVE FOOD SHOULD NEVER BE THROWN OUT. See my soap box above for more information, but really, it's not about the starving children in Africa. This time. 

There are. So. Many. Good. Things to be made with leftover food. Even at the end, when it's truly gone to meet its maker - it should get composted, not thrown out. Becuase you see, decomposed food turns into compost, and compost gets used to grow new food, and the circle of life continues. 

Just without the evil foreshadowing bit

You see, you might not have realized this, but this blog has an Agenda. That's right. I said it. In my ideal world, we would live in that romanticized time in which people didn't throw out clothes - they repaired them until you couldn't repair them anymore.  And then they made them into rags. And then into rag dolls. And then rag carpets. And then finally into wicks, and that's how they kept warm the whole long cold winter. 

So, same thing with food. 

Therefore, I'm going to give you a short list of things you can do with leftover food, and if you don't have time and inclination, give it to me, and I will eat for free for the rest of my life. (That's actually not my agenda. My agenda is for less food to get thrown out. But hey, this is good too.)

Bread -->frozen bread (stays good for ages. Freezers and microwaves are your friends) ◊ croutons ◊ bread soup (yum) ◊ bread crumbs ◊ bread pudding 
◊ french toast, and thanks to Bishul Bezol for the suggestion

Leftover or bad Wine --> french onion soup ◊ mulled wine ◊ soups ◊ stews 

Almost rotten Milk --> homemade yogurt (blog post pending) ◊ homemade cheese ◊ muffins ◊ cornbread  ◊ pancakes

Tiny bit of leftover Cheese --> freeze (stays good forever) ◊ pizza ◊ pasta ◊ quiche 

Leftover tiny bit of Meat that you don't know what to do with --> Soup ◊ stew ◊ pot pie ◊ burritos

Stale Cookies/cakes --> (First of all, what are you doing with leftover cake? But if you are, then make) trifle ◊ bread pudding ◊ tiramisu   

Dying Fruit --> jams ◊ dried fruit ◊ chop, freeze, make into smoothies

Dying Veg --> a soup. Always a soup. Or pickled things. But it's cold, so now all I can think of is soup.  

Etc. etc. I could go on. But I think you get the basic idea? Or do I have to preach more to the choir? 

Please send on more ideas, and I will update this list. But basically? Please don't throw food out. There were starving children in the Holocaust.   

In Which There is Chocolate Cake That Won't Break the Bank (But First, a Rant)

I'm sitting here baking a cake.

Ok, not entirely accurate. I'm taking a break from baking a cake, because really it's impossible to bake a cake while sitting. I have a cake in the oven, and I am now sitting and I've got a rant coming on. There aren't going to be many pictures, unfortunately, and I know some of you may wonder what good there is in a blog entry if there aren't any pictures, so I'll do my best to find some stock photos.

There. Happy?

As some of you may know, I like to watch listen to TV while I bake, to fill all this damn silence. And, as I am in the midst of super fancy cake (goal is layered chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, maybe raspberry jam filling, and if I have time some chocolate meringue thingies and shavings), I thought, I know, I'll watch The Great British Bake-Off. I'll even watch an episode about cake, and then I'll be inspired, and everyone will be happy, yes?

No.

I. HATE. the Great British Bake-Off.

Many, many people have recommended I watch Grrrreat Brrritish Bake-Off. They thought I would love this show. They love baking...I love baking...perfect match, right?

No.

If you do not roll the Rs properly they will put you into a pudding and serve it to the queen.

Here's the thing about that show. Two things, and I hate both. One - IT'S NOT A COOKING SHOW. It's a reality TV show. It's a 'let's make people feel bad about themselves, and how their cake crumbs aren't the PERFECT SIZE cake crumbs, and now let's talk about how their mother didn't raise them right because OMG they can't make a perfect croquembouche.' 

Second, and it's closely related to the first, that show makes me feel like I don't know how to bake.

Let me reiterate that. It makes ME feel like IIIII don't know how to bake.

It is full of stupid game show people saying stupid things like, 'oh, if you don't whip that cream precisely right, it's going to be a complete disaster. That cake is soooo delicate. It is so difficult to make that sauce. Buildings in China are going to collapse and kill five million little children if she doesn't get that sauce right.'

Here's what I have to say to TGBB-O:

Calm the fuck down.

Here's else I have to say to you, dear readers, who may also be feeling like they don't know how to bake because if you don't get that crumb right then you are single-handedly responsible for the apocolypse: 
a) bake a cake if you want to, buildings aren't going to collapse;
b) If you want to bake a $#@ cake, and you're afraid it's going to be a disaster - well, guess what. Baking isn't rocket science. Cakes can be fixed, myriads of evils can be covered up by whipped cream, and powdered sugar fixes everything else. 

I can't even begin to tell you how many imperfect cakes I have made in my time. Underdone, overdone, slightly burnt, slightly falling apart, melty imperfect ganache - and guess what. They have all been eaten. Not a single one was so terrible that I did not get accolades afterwards. And it's NOT about me being such a great baker. It's about using a decent recipe, and following it within reason.

Here's the main things you have to know about not ruining a cake:

1. Don't burn it. If you do burn the top, cut it away.
2. (This is the important one. If you make this mistake, there truly isn't any saving it.) Don't confuse the salt with the sugar.

That's it. Now I'm going to go back and bake a probably imperfect cake, but before I do, I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite cake recipes. Favorite because it uses no eggs - which I care about not because of vegan tendencies, but because it's cheap and I'm stingy.

If only I had a cake to feed to my starving children.

Depression-Era Chocolate Cake

(From Food.com. I don't think I've even made any changes)

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 cups sugar
• 1/2 cup cocoa
• 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda* 
• 2 cups flour 
• 3/4 teaspoon salt 
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla*
• 3/4 cup vegetable oil 
• 1 1/2 cups water 
• 1 1/2 teaspoons vinegar

 *pet peeve alert! 1 and 1/2 tsp is EXACTLY equal to a 1/2 tbs! So why the $#@ don't they just write that and save me having to use another measuring spoon! ARGH.

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In an ungreased 9 x 13 pan- yes UNgreased, sift all dry ingredients. Despite the fact that, yes, this makes for fewer dishes, I don't like doing this. It's harder to sift. I recommend stirring in a bowl with a whisk if you have it, a spoon if you don't.
3. Add the liquids and stir just until blended.
4. Bake for 25 minutes or until passes the toothpick test. (Tookpick test = stick toothpick in the middle of cake. If it comes out clean, the cake is ready. If it comes out a little gooey, stick it back in the over for 5 more minutes, continually until it's no longer gooey.)
5. Frost with your favorite frosting, cake is extremely moist so care must be taken that you don't tear up the top of the cake.

 Here is my favorite cheap cake topping recipe. Credit to my friend and former flat-mate, L.  

Cheap Cake Glaze: 

1.  Take powdered sugar. Mix in a cup with a fork with a little bit of water until it's runny enough to spread on the cake, yet not so runny it's like a liquid. If you want to get fancy, use a bit of cocoa or alcohol instead of the water. Done.

Let's Talk about Bread, Baby

Let me start off by saying, I love bread. I seriously love bread. I pity you all you glutards out there, and I look upon atkinsians with derision and contempt. (Actually, if you are gluten-intolerant, you should probably stop reading right now, because this post is basically an ode to bread.)

Bread is awesome. (Not a huge fan of sandwiches, but that's another story to be told another time.) Bread is so awesome that there was a whole exhibit at the museum a few years ago dedicated entirely to bread that I had to go see as part of my degree (may or may not have had something to do with the fact that my professor was also the curator of that exhibit.)

I call this 'Pantry Cleanse' Bread

I do NOT love store bought bread. Haven't bought it for years. Feh. Ptooey. Yuck.

The difference between store bought bread and homemade bread is like the difference between erotic and kinky (erotic is using a feather, kinky the whole chicken...no? Am I the only one with that cultural reference? I hope not, because if so I sound weird.)

Store-bought bread, especially slightly old and stale store-bought bread, is sad. It tastes kinda blah. You just KNOW there's a million chemicals in it, it barely has any flavor, and they charge about 200% more than the cost of the ingredients. I don't get it.

It's a flower! It's the rosetta stone! No, it's tear-apart bread!

There's just so many things I love about homemade bread. Taste is just the beginning...you know what? This sounds like a lengthy one. I'm going to make a list:

1.  I love how cheap bread is to make.
2. I love the aroma that wafts over the home when you've just made bread.
3. I love kneading bread - you can really punch and get all your aggression out on it.
4. I love how forgiving bread is - it's very hard to ruin bread. Trust me, I've tried.
5. I love how the ingredients can be changed ever so slightly to make vastly different breads.
6. I love how many things there are to do with bread leftovers (bread thrown out on the side of the road, as people often do here, makes me want to cry.)
7. I love a nice crunchy crust.
8. I love sourdough, both the eating and the making.
9. I love how yeast is alive.
10.  I love how there are so many customs, superstitions, traditions, and cultural significance about bread. 

Oh, also, I love how it makes the house nice and warm while baking. (I'm a little cold right now. It's only 23 degrees out there.)

I haven't always had success with bread. Oh yes. FEAR NOT OH YOU NON-BAKERS. I too, have failed. So many times. Seriously. So so many times. I've made bread that was hard as a rock; bread that was gooey inside; bread that didn't rise; bread that rose too much. I've done it all.

And I'm still here. Baking distinctly edible bread. So you can do it too, and if you're afraid, call me. I'll hold your hand.

As we walk off...into the sunset...though, um, not in a weird way.

For now, though, since I'm still doing that pantry cleanse, I'm not going to post a bread recipe, even though I baked one today. First of all, because I have about a gazillion bread recipes, and it would be hard to choose just one to post here; and second, like I wrote before - bread is so versatile and forgiving, that you make a slight change - and boom! different bread recipe. Which basically means that I have no idea what I baked today.

Instead, I'm going to post a bread pudding recipe. Because I had tons of bits bobs and the other of about a zillion different end pieces of bread in my freezer, and something had to be done about it. I used some leftover challah, a leftover muffin, a leftover (very stale) pita, and I think some savory nutty bread too. It came out delicious. (I'm going to start that diet...tomorrow.)

Mark Bittman's Bread Pudding

(Have I mentioned that MB just recently joined my line-up of kitchen gurus?  Welcome, MB.)

• 700 ml milk*
• 55 grams butter
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 100 grams sugar
• 8 slices stale bread (or, approximately that much bread comprised of whatever is left in your freezer)**
• pinch salt
• 3 eggs

Topping

• 1 tsp sugar
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon

 *Yes, ml and grams. If you don't have scale, go here.
**Yes, freezer. Always keep leftover bread in the freezer. NOT the fridge. It crystallizes in there or something.

1. Preheat oven to 350F/175C. 
2. Butter your baking dish - use whatever fits. Then break up the leftover bread bits and put them in there. Smush if necessary.
3. Heat together milk, butter, sugar, cinnamon, salt until the butter melts. Pour over bread, let sit for a few minutes. MB says to 'occasionally submerge any pieces of bread that float to the top.' I says to shmush it. 
4. Beat the eggs. Stir and shmush in with the rest of it.
5. Top with the sugar-cinnamon topping.
6. You want to bake it in a water bath - and if you're not sure what that means, you should probably consult one of my gurus - I recommend Alton Brown in the cheesecake episode. Basically, FIRST put in the pan on the oven tray, THEN pour in the water on the side while it's already in the oven. Do it wrong and you risk a watery death to your dessert (been there...done that.)
7. Bake 45-60 min, or until it mostly passes the toothpick test
8. Try not to eat it all and save some for your spouse so they can get fat too. 

 (The picture did not come out nice. Just picture something really appetizing and creamy and delicious here.